Hoagies, Heroes and Subs Oh My!
by Random Guise
Summary: Ralphie Parker had the best Christmas a boy every had, COULD ever have when he received his Red Ryder BB gun. But like all the other kids, at some point the holiday is over and you have to go back to school. Miss Shields gives her class an assignment to put on their imagination caps; Ralphie wears his all the time anyway. I don't own these characters, but I've had a BB gun.


Hoagies, Heroes and Subs Oh My!

Miss Shields stood in front of the class. "Class, last week I gave you an assignment to make up a story about how a sandwich saved your life because I thought it would a fun thing to do after the Christmas holiday. Today you get to either read it or tell it to the rest of the class; remember, using your imagination is the important thing so it doesn't have to be fancy or long. Let's start off with…Joseph."

Joseph stood. "I can't read mine because I have Larry-jitus."

"That's laryngitis," said Miss Shields "and since you said that so well, you don't have it. Please read your story."

"I forgot it at home. Can I read it tomorrow?" he begged.

"Yes, but you'll only get half credit for it. How about you, Susan?"

A curly-haired girl stood after Joseph sat. "I was with my family at the zoo one day when a big tiger jumped out of its cage and came runing toward us. I threw my sandwich at the tiger and he ate it, but he started choking on a pimento and that gave the zookeeper time to get him back in the cage."

"Very good Susan, I bet that tiger will think twice before getting out of his cage again, especially when you're around. David, how about you?"

"I don't like pimentos either" he said, standing.

"No, I mean your story."

"Oh. I was being chased down the sidewalk by Scut Farkus because I wouldn't give him my milk money. He was getting closer, but when I ran by Sam's Deli the big 'Hot sandwiches' sign fell down and hit Scut on the head. I was able to get away and now he doesn't remember anything about the accident or why he was chasing me."

"I remember that" Miss Shields said, winking slyly. "You should never bully someone else. Nancy?"

It was Nancy's turn. "I used to be a spy during the summer. One day I was being held prisoner in an old farm. I tied a rescue note to a pigeon's leg and it brought the army to come get me."

"But what about the sandwich?" Miss Shields asked.

"I used the sandwich to get the pigeon to come close so I could tie the note on his leg" she explained. "Pigeons always like peanut butter and jelly. They don't like pimentos either."

The class giggled.

"You want to know a secret?" Miss Shields announced in a hushed whisper to the class. "I don't rally like them that well myself. Flick, your turn."

Flick stood and practically shouted. "I was flying with Charles Lindberg in a hot air balloon over Mt. Everest. As we got close to the top of the mountain I saw that we were going to crash into it and Mr. Lindberg was getting really worried. I looked around for something to throw out to make the balloon lighter and saw a sandwich and a sandbag, so I threw the sandwich out. The balloon got lighter and we flew over the top and into Japan."

"Uh Flick, I don't think Japan is near Mt. Everest. Why didn't you throw the sandbag over instead?"

Flick grinned at his audience. "Because I don't like pimentos either." The class roared.

"All right class" Miss Shields called, trying to get control of the students again. "I think we should stop picking on those pimentos now. What is your story Grace?"

A tall girl told her story. "My family was taking a trip on a big boat when it ran into a floating box. It put a hole in the boat and it was going to sink with all the water coming in. I took my sandwich and stuck it in the hole so it stopped the water and we didn't drown."

"That's very good thinking; we're glad to have such a smart person with us today. Mark, how did a sandwich save your life?"

"I was in Johnson's Hardware store when a masked man came in and tried to rob the place while holding a gun. I snuck up behind him and hit him over the head with a sandwich to knock him out until the police came."

"What kind of sandwich could do that?" Miss Shields asked.

"A CLUB sandwich" Mark announced with great satisfaction.

"Oh Mark, that is a very bad pun. Annie, what did you come up with?"

"I got a really bad disease from a doorknob and the doctor said I was going to die. My mom gave me a sandwich for my last meal, but it had something growing inside called penicillin that cured me."

"Penicillin is a new medicine that doctors think will help us get better when we're really sick" Miss Shields explained to the class. "Maybe you can grow up and help discover new medicines too, Annie. Now let's hear from Swartz."

Swartz stood. "My old man told me to go down to the deli and get him a sandwich or he'd throttle me, so I did."

"That wasn't very nice of him to say that" Miss Shields gasped. "But how did it save your life?"

"You ever been throttled by my old man?" Swartz bragged.

"Dear me no. That's enough of that story. Betty?"

The smallest girl in the class stood. "A hurricane came through town and was blowing everything away. It started to pick me up and I grabbed onto a really big sandwich my mom made for dad's lunch."

"A hurricane? In Indiana?" Miss Shields asked for clarification.

"Sure. It doesn't happen very much, that's why it surprises people when it does. So anyway, the sandwich made me heavy enough to stay on the ground; otherwise I might have been blown all the way to the moon."

"Good thing you grabbed onto it Betty."

A few more students either forgot or didn't do their assignment. Finally Miss Shields ended with "And now I just have to hear from Ralphie. What's your story?"

Raphie stood up. "Ahem. How a sandwich saved my life, by Ralphie Parker. Onceuponatimeinthe…"

"Ralphie, take a deep breath and slow down please."

Ralphie did as requested. "Once upon a time in the old west where I was the deputy in the town of Rockville, a dancer from the biggest saloon in town came into the jail and told the sheriff that Black Bart and his gang were hiding in a cave just outside of town. The sheriff didn't think he could capture all of the gang because there were 47 of them and only two of us, so he sent me to ride to Stone City to get the U.S. Calvary to help us."

"It's Cavalry Ralphie. Calvary is something else" Miss Shields corrected.

"Sorry. To get the U.S. Cavalry I mean. So I grabbed my trusty Red Ryder rifle and a canteen of water and rode away. I called my rifle 'Old Blue', and it had a compass so I knew which way I was going. After a couple hours my horse tripped on a snake and we fell down; afterward he got up and ran back towards home by himself. I had to make it to get the Cavalry so I started walking. I met a family that was on the side of the trail while the father was fixing a flat on their covered wagon. I couldn't stop to help, because I was really tired and hungry. The only food they had left was one sandwich; they gave it to me so that I could get help and bring in Black Bart, who they heard was a really mean person. I ate the sandwich, and it gave me enough strength to run 15 miles to the town and get help. We went back and arrested the whole gang and put them in jail. Without that sandwich I probably would have died or had to eat cactus."

"What about the family in the wagon?"

"They were fine. They were stuck for a long time because they lost the lug nuts in the dirt until they found them again. When they made it into town the sheriff was so happy he gave them another sandwich from the saloon."

"Ralphie, that was some story you made up. I think maybe someday you might become a writer yourself."

And he did.

The End

* * *

 **A/N: I love A Christmas Story, but other things must have happened during the rest of the school year. I'm ignoring the sequel they made, much like Ralphie discarded the idea of a football for a Christmas gift. With the rest of the school year to work with, I thought of another assignment the class could participate in after the events of the movie. They had to get back to school _sometime_.**


End file.
